London Naked Bike Ride 2023 – Short Circuit

My love for the World Naked Bike Ride (WNBR) has previously seen me participate in multiple rides each year. Alas, in 2023 with a mind full of personal preoccupations I simply lacked the capacity to tackle numerous naked rallies as well. Naturally I would try to join at least one, though. And there could be only one: WNBR London.

As usual there was a choice of places to begin. Last year I opted for the longest way round, starting from the far south in Croydon. This year I chose probably the shortest route, setting out from Regent’s Park. With enough time, opportunity, inclination and good health, it would be nice to have a crack at every start point…

And so it was that around 1:45pm on Saturday 10 June in glorious sunshine I arrived at the east edge of the park. I propped my bike against a tree and lay upon the warm grass under its branches. With over an hour to go, only a few riders were present. As time passed, however, our modest cluster – like the Regent himself – ballooned.

Regent’s Park to Outer Circle

Curiously our cluster didn’t just balloon with riders but with onlookers too. Not people who happened to be there anyway, as has seemed normal at the Tower Hill start, nor tediously disrespectful voyeuristic photographers, as in the early years at Hyde Park. These were more like genteel supporters who’d come to applaud us on our way.

2:39pm at Regent’s Park: riders and well-wishers

About 10 minutes before our 2:50pm scheduled departure, ride marshals asked us to assemble on the Outer Circle road by the park’s perimeter. I undressed with indecent haste – stuffing clothes in panniers, slapping on sunscreen, hanging a whistle around my neck, looping a camera on my wrist – then wheeled out to the sunlit highway.

2:43pm at Regent’s Park: riders assemble

2:51pm on Outer Circle: our starting grid

I took my place facing south at the rear of what was already an impressive column of bare people on bikes. Equally impressive was the huge crowd of spectators lining the pavement opposite as far as the eye could see. Think gentrified Mardi Gras. Bang on time, the front of our pack set off. Far behind, my journey began one minute later.

2:52pm on Outer Circle: away we go!

2:55pm on Outer Circle: sans body paint

Portland Place to Trafalgar Square

This was a new WNBR London start point for me and therefore a new route. For sure we would cross Westminster Bridge but how we would get there, I knew not. It’s easy enough, though: follow the bare backsides in front. From southeast Outer Circle, they led me along Park Square East, Park Crescent, Portland Place and Langham Place.

2:56pm on Park Square East: Ionic capitals and unclad cyclists

2:59pm on Portland Place: pausing place

3:01pm on Portland Place: All Souls and, erm… our souls

3:02pm on Langham Place: Beeb, be seen

Langham Place became Regent Street, which sent us south across Oxford Circus all the way down and round to Piccadilly Circus. Like all good circuses, the crowds were eager, engrossed and entertained. Very satisfying for me too. Not since 2009, when I was a nervous first-timer, had WNBR London taken me through Oxford Circus.

3:06pm on Regent Street: across Oxford Circus

3:14pm on Regent Street: Piccadilly Circus ahead

We exited Piccadilly Circus on Coventry Street and thence progressed to Haymarket. Much of the way I was chatting with two guys new to WNBR London, though one is a member of ‘the phantom limbs‘ – a band well known for busking at WNBR Brighton. At the end of Haymarket, Cockspur Street took us to Trafalgar Square.

3:16pm on Haymarket: hesitation

3:17pm on Haymarket: a phantom limb (left)

3:20pm on Cockspur Street: Nelson, behold!

Northumberland Avenue to Victoria Embankment

From Trafalgar Square we would like take our protest down Whitehall, but these days it gets occupied by rabbles of drunken hate-mongering reactionary populist fascists… and I don’t just mean the government. We evaded them via Northumberland Avenue, Great Scotland Yard, Scotland Place, Whitehall Place and Whitehall Court.

3:21pm on Northumberland Avenue: whistle stop

3:22pm on Great Scotland Yard: call the cops

3:23pm on Scotland Place: bridge of sigh-cles

3:24pm on Whitehall Place: glimpse of Hungerford Bridge

A left at the end of Whitehall Court put us on Horse Guards Avenue, heading towards Victoria Embankment. When we reached it, we turned right to follow the Thames with parliament ahead. Much to the irritation of marshals, riders paused for photos in front of the London Eye. I confess I was one of them.

3:27pm on Victoria Embankment: onto the waterfront

3:29pm on Victoria Embankment: dismounted

3:31pm on Victoria Embankment: taking protest to power

Westminster Bridge to Waterloo Bridge

Even without selfie stops, progress along the Embankment was very stop-start. Once we turned the corner to Westminster Bridge, however, we were flying. Photographers lined the footways but only a few stepped out in front of us. From Westminster Bridge Road we swung left into York Road, which took us to Forum Magnum Square.

3:35pm on Westminster Bridge: heels on kerbs

3:36pm on Westminster Bridge Road: south London starts here

3:37pm on York Road: convergence imminent

Forum Magnum Square is where riders from all starting points converge each year. It was already stuffed by the time Regent’s Park riders arrived at 3:38pm. At its far end, WNBR organisers and security staff were locked in dispute over how to exit. Security carried the day; at 3:53pm we back-tracked to York Road, bound for Waterloo Bridge.

3:46pm on Forum Magnum Square: but which way out?

3:54pm on York Road: away we go, part 2

3:57pm on York Road: take me to the bridge

4pm on Waterloo Bridge: northbound

4:01pm on Waterloo Bridge: in photographer mode – © ..Moth..

Lancaster Place to Lincoln’s Inn Fields

Back on the north side of the river, the next leg of our ride was a familiar one that has not changed in years. Waterloo Bridge led us into Lancaster Place, where a right turn started us on Strand, then haltingly steered us round Aldwych to Strand again, before the briefest bit of Fleet Street prefaced a left turn into Chancery Lane.

4:04pm on Lancaster Place: off the bridge

4:06pm on Aldwych: Tina Turner RIP

4:09pm on Strand: before the law

4:11pm on Fleet Street: taking a Chancery

From Chancery Lane we went left into Carey Street, right into Serle Street, and left at Lincoln’s Inn Fields, cycling three sides before coming to a halt at 4:17pm. This is our traditional place to take a break; to mingle, refresh, use the public toilets if necessary, or for some… just disco dance.

4:13pm on Serle Street: Fields ahead

4:16pm on Lincoln’s Inn Fields: soon to rest

4:18pm on Lincoln’s Inn Fields: break time

4:31pm on Lincoln’s Inn Fields: our people

Lincoln’s Inn Fields to The Mall

After 20 minutes, we completed our clockwise circuit of Lincoln’s Inn Fields – plus the south side a second time – before exiting via Sardinia Street; left turn to Kingsway. At the end of Kingsway a right returned us to Aldwych, which led once more onto Strand but now taking us in a traffic-punctuated straight line all the way to Trafalgar Square.

4:38pm on Lincoln’s Inn Fields: away we go again

4:41pm on Kingsway: Bush House ahead

4:42pm on Aldwych: rejoining Strand

4:44pm on Strand: passing Charing Cross

4:45pm on Strand: beheld by Nelson again

Onlookers at Trafalgar Square – people from all walks of life who simply happened to be present when hundreds of naked cyclists streamed past – greeted us with cheers, smiles, laughter, waves and lines of smartphone cameras. As had the rest of London. Any haters were lost in the love. Ahead lay Admiralty Arch, aperture to The Mall.

4:46pm on The Mall: arch angels

4:47pm on The Mall: our red carpet

Constitution Hill to Wellington Arch

Immediately in front of Buckingham Palace at the west end of The Mall is the Victoria Memorial and its fountain pools. Missing a clear opportunity in the brilliant sunshine, I simply cycled past them into Constitution Hill, whereas naked riders with a better eye for celebratory hijinx parked their bikes and dived in. Ahh, regrets, I’ve had a few…

4:51pm on Constitution Hill: Victoria Memorial and Buck House

4:52pm on Constitution Hill: undunked but happy

4:53pm on Constitution Hill: a breeze in the trees

4:54pm on Constitution Hill: the end is nigh

At the top of Constitution Hill, tantalisingly close to our finishing line I slowed to a halt and waited for the red traffic lights to change. Their lack of urgency matched my own. When eventually they turned green, we rolled forwards for a final few yards. I passed beneath Wellington Arch at five to five, a shade over two hours after I’d set off.

4:55pm at Wellington Arch: nearly, nearly…

4:56pm at Wellington Arch: …and we’re done

5:10pm at Wellington Arch: yay!!

It had been a strange ride for me. I’d chatted with friends at the end – thanks, Adrian, for taking that photo above – but otherwise hadn’t really connected with others whilst on the road. Just carried on my tradition. This was my thirteenth WNBR London, and my twenty-first official WNBR in total. Hopefully I’ll regain headspace for many more.

Our route from Regent’s Park to Wellington Arch

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